Nine Movies That Would Be Better if Alfred Hitchcock Was in Them

Lilo & Hitch

It's hardly arguable that Alfred Hitchcock, one of the greatest film directors who ever lived (if not the greatest), was also the one with the most recognizable and charismatic onscreen personality. To wit: "Good eeevening." What a shame that "Hitch" never took up acting, apart from his famous cameos and TV show introductions. If he had, and if he were alive today, I could see his inimitable presence livening up the following nine films:

  1. Hitch. A remake of the Will Smith romantic comedy, where the Master of Suspense instructs single men in the art of attracting the ladies. Sample dialogue: "I've found that if you can't get a woman to notice you, sneaking up behind her in her living room and strangling her will do the trick."
  2. Lilo & Hitch. In this heartwarming Disney animated feature, a lonely young Hawaiian girl meets the Master of Suspense on the beach, and a profound and hilarious friendship is formed.
  3. Turner & Hitch. Tom Hanks plays a down-on-his-luck police officer whose new partner is a fat, slobbering dog... played by the Master of Suspense!
  4. Starsky & Hitch. In this wacky big-screen adaptation of the famous '70s cop show, Ben Stiller and the Master of Suspense chase the bad guys and debate the plausibilities of the perfect murder. The final chapter in Hitchcock's "Ampersand Trilogy".
  5. Get Hitch or Die Tryin'. Rapper 50 Cent stars as a young street thug whose mission is to find the Master of Suspense, who has disappeared in Manhattan while on a three-day bender and needs to be rushed back to the set of Torn Curtain before Paul Newman walks.
  6. The Hitches of Eastwick. Jack Nicholson as the Devil has arrived in a quaint New England town – but he's no match for three, count 'em, three Masters of Suspense.
  7. Fever Hitch. Drew Barrymore wants a serious commitment from the Master of Suspense, but he's too caught up with baseball – as well as with that beautiful icy blonde down the street.
  8. The Seven Year Hitch. After seven years of marriage, family man Tommy Ewell finds himself hopelessly attracted to a gorgeous new neighbor: the Master of Suspense. This includes the famous scene of Alfred Hitchcock in a white dress walking over a windy subway grate. Whoops! Hot!
  9. Sing Along with Hitch. We return to the small screen for this last entry, not for Alfred Hitchcock Presents but for this popular 1960s television program which allowed families across the United States to follow the bouncing ball and sing songs with the Master of Suspense, such as "Good Night, Irene" and of course "Que Sera, Sera".