Nine Types of Facebook Users

Mark Zuckerberg, surely one of the nine types

In the year 2000, I wrote a list called Nine Types of Emailers, in which I categorized the more annoying trends in online communication. Well, here we are in 2010, and hardly anybody ever sends a proper email anymore. Part of this is thanks to Facebook taking over the world. With the imminent arrival of the film The Social Network, about the founding of Earth's second most popular website, now is a good time to discuss the various people you'll find on it. Two notes: This list only covers Facebook users over 30 (what can I say? my friends and I aren't kids anymore), and my use of male and female pronouns below is purely arbitrary.

  1. The Self-Promoter. Only posts status updates that advertise his own accomplishments. Never comments on anybody else's updates, and often doesn't even answer questions posted by friends to his own. What a heel!
  2. The Twitterer. Similar to the Self-Promoter in that he never bothers to check out what his own friends are up to, because he barely even uses Facebook, using it primarily as a place to "reprint" his tweets.
  3. The Obsessed Parent. Writes only about the kid(s). Uploads photos only of the kid(s). Profile photo? The kid(s). Receives comments only from friends with kid(s).
  4. The Self-Affirmation Addict. Most status updates are about how "amazing" her life is. Is typically into New Age crap.
  5. The Busybody. Comments on everybody's status updates - even friends she barely knows - with unwanted advice, inane questions, or saccharine offers of emotional support.
  6. The Friend Collector. With a habit held over from his time on MySpace, this person adds literally everybody who comes across his path, including people he doesn't know at all. It's not uncommon for the Friend Collector to have well over 1,000 Facebook friends. (The Friend Collector is often also the Self-Promoter and/or Twitterer. Gotta build up that network!)
  7. The Ranter. Posts at least half a dozen updates and links every day about how rotten some politician, political party, or political system is. Constantly gets into arguments with friends on their updates. An insufferable know-it-all.
  8. The Absentee. Only adds friends, might send a private message here and there, does nothing else.
  9. The Short-Timer. Hasn't logged in for over a year, only has 12 Facebook friends, is very wise.