Valentine’s Day Special: The Nine Songs Most Impossible to Make Out to

“Monster Mash”, Bobby “Boris” Pickett

My buddy Jon once asked friends to each send him two songs people could "get it on" to for a mix CD. I guess if you're horny enough, you can get it on while listening to anything. Or can you? This list is inspired by a story my girlfriend told me about kissing someone, when suddenly the theme from Ghostbusters came on the radio. I realized then that there are some songs guaranteed to kill the mood. (And by this I mean real pop songs, not Sesame Street tunes or avant-garde noise fests.) These nine fit the bill. Spin them in your bachelor/ette pad and suffer a sex-free night.

  1. "We Are the World". Just thinking about this mawkish anthem's endlessly repeating chorus makes my weener shrink. Or am I wrong here? Does Cyndi Lauper's "Whoa whoa whoa whoa WHOA!" get everybody else all tingly?
  2. "Candle in the Wind '97", Elton John. The singer's hurried rewrite of his '70s classic, meant to honor the dead Princess Diana at her funeral, may be for necrophiliacs only.
  3. "Yellow Submarine", The Beatles. Why is it that Ringo only got to sing children's songs for the band? Was this all a joke played on the humble drummer by his snickering bandmates?
  4. "Monster Mash", Bobby "Boris" Pickett. This novelty hit from 1962 isn't even fun at Halloween parties anymore.
  5. "Kokomo", The Beach Boys. Long after Brian Wilson left the Beach Boys, so too did any semblance of songwriting integrity. Sad thing is, the more I think about it, the more I realize that back in the late '80s (and maybe even today), some sad yuppie types actually did get it on to "Kokomo". Likely while drunk on wine coolers.
  6. "Born in the U.S.A.", Bruce Springsteen. Maybe the '80s was just an unsexy decade in general. ("Walk of Life", "Don't Pay the Ferryman", et al.) Younguns, lest you think it was all about New Wave, I will tell you a frightening tale or two about Rave home perms, shoulder pads for ladies, and acid wash jeans.
  7. "Me and a Gun", Tori Amos. Though not exactly a hit, this a capella song about Amos's rape gained notoriety for its subject matter. If your sweetie wants to kiss you while this song is playing, run away.
  8. "Birdhouse in Your Soul", They Might Be Giants. I don't believe They Might Be Giants have recorded a single sexy song in their entire career. It would be like doing it to something by Weird Al. Even geeks couldn't manage it.
  9. "Hold on to the Night", Richard Marx. If this one genuinely makes you feel romantic, I may need to stage a Barry White intervention to help you get your mojo back.